It’s amazing what can begin to happen when you become open to it… and it’s not always good. Self-awareness sucks, man.
I have rediscovered my love for TEDTalks. Mostly for inspiring content that is really interesting and stimulates my mind and generates ideas for my career. The one I just watched hit home, though. In her TEDTalk What Almost Dying Taught Me About Living, Suleika Jaouad discusses surviving cancer and her re-entry into the world after beating the illness. She talked about how she had forgotten how live and had to relearn it. That’s what hit home.
As I’ve mentioned, I’m in grad school. I’m beginning to apply for practicum placements so spent some time working on my resume today. I laughed somewhat in disbelief and a little pride as I looked at my education history; since graduating high school 18 years ago, I have spent a total of 10 years in university. I have two degrees, a number of unused credits, and am working on my graduate degree.
In February 2020, I will have been cancer-free for 10 years. I was fortunate in that my cancer wasn’t life threatening; it was removed almost as soon as I was diagnosed. But, 10 months before my diagnosis, I was the victim of a home invasion, was turned away by a counsellor who told me their agency wasn’t accepting new clients after I had spent the entire session crying and sharing my trauma – that counsellor rejected me after retraumatizing me. Oh, and I spent the time between trauma and cancer, fighting my sexuality, meeting and breaking up with my first girlfriend, and coming out to family and friends. 2009-2010 was a horrible time for me.
I have spent the last 10 years staying busy. School,career, continuing education, new job, school. I’ve unconsciously ensured that I didn’t have time to live. Suleika Jaouad made me realize that I haven’t learned how to live; I’ve delayed my re-entry into life. I’ve been hiding in school and work. This is why I’m unhappy.
I don’t have a social life, I don’t play, I don’t really give myself downtime, I don’t do anything other than work and learn. My value is through my credentials… that’s f-ed up. The issue is that I don’t know how to live and when I think about making changes, my mind immediately throws up excuses the main one being that I don’t have time because of school.
That’s true this weekend. I have a 10 page paper to write by Sunday night. But then I have a three week break. I think I’ll issue myself a challenge to begin relearning how to live during that time. It’s long overdue.
The Journey That Began with Hygge 