WTF TEDTalks… wasn’t expecting that

It’s amazing what can begin to happen when you become open to it… and it’s not always good. Self-awareness sucks, man.

I have rediscovered my love for TEDTalks. Mostly for inspiring content that is really interesting and stimulates my mind and generates ideas for my career. The one I just watched hit home, though. In her TEDTalk What Almost Dying Taught Me About Living, Suleika Jaouad discusses surviving cancer and her re-entry into the world after beating the illness. She talked about how she had forgotten how live and had to relearn it. That’s what hit home.

As I’ve mentioned, I’m in grad school. I’m beginning to apply for practicum placements so spent some time working on my resume today. I laughed somewhat in disbelief and a little pride as I looked at my education history; since graduating high school 18 years ago, I have spent a total of 10 years in university. I have two degrees, a number of unused credits, and am working on my graduate degree.

In February 2020, I will have been cancer-free for 10 years. I was fortunate in that my cancer wasn’t life threatening; it was removed almost as soon as I was diagnosed. But, 10 months before my diagnosis, I was the victim of a home invasion, was turned away by a counsellor who told me their agency wasn’t accepting new clients after I had spent the entire session crying and sharing my trauma – that counsellor rejected me after retraumatizing me. Oh, and I spent the time between trauma and cancer, fighting my sexuality, meeting and breaking up with my first girlfriend, and coming out to family and friends. 2009-2010 was a horrible time for me.

I have spent the last 10 years staying busy. School,career, continuing education, new job, school. I’ve unconsciously ensured that I didn’t have time to live. Suleika Jaouad made me realize that I haven’t learned how to live; I’ve delayed my re-entry into life. I’ve been hiding in school and work. This is why I’m unhappy.

I don’t have a social life, I don’t play, I don’t really give myself downtime, I don’t do anything other than work and learn. My value is through my credentials… that’s f-ed up. The issue is that I don’t know how to live and when I think about making changes, my mind immediately throws up excuses the main one being that I don’t have time because of school.

That’s true this weekend. I have a 10 page paper to write by Sunday night. But then I have a three week break. I think I’ll issue myself a challenge to begin relearning how to live during that time. It’s long overdue.

A change in perspective

I have been feeling so unhappy lately and believed that there would be no real opportunity to change that for the next year until I’m done grad school, don’t have to live so frugally, have more time and more energy to get out and live life. I haven’t been living life for years so the prospect of having to wait another year was depressing, disheartening, unbelievable… devastating. That’s the word. It was absolutely devastating.

I called in sick three days this week partly because I didn’t feel well physically but mostly because I didn’t feel well mentally which was making me feel unwell physically. I’ve been focused on the devastation of waiting a year to be able to live life. I’ve been focusing on the wrong thing.

Today, I started watching Shine On with Reese Witherspoon on Netflix – which I’m quite enjoying – and it’s helped change my perspective. I can dwell on how tired/busy/stressed/unhappy I am OR I can use this time to dream and make plans and re-evaluate what I want out of life.

The women that Reese interviews often talk about the necessity of taking big risks in order to be successful. I haven’t been taking risks lately; I’ve felt so anxious and overwhelmed that I’ve been living a small and safe life. That doesn’t work for me. I know that doesn’t work for me and it never has. It only works in making me unhappy. Part of me has known that I need to take a risk. Part of me want to make decisions that I know are safe. The biggest issue on my mind currently is where I want to live when I finish grad school. I’ll likely stay in Alberta until I’m a registered psychologist as that opens more doors for me career-wise in Alberta and elsewhere. So that’s two more years in Alberta.

The part of me that wants safety wants to move to Edmonton once I’m finished school because I have a social group there and the city has a lot going on. But my mind keeps going to Calgary. I know a couple people there so I would be starting over socially, but it’s so close to the mountains which are home. I think I would thrive being able to take regular day trips to the mountains for a hike… or just coffee in the mountain air.

I would LOVE to move back to BC but career options aren’t great and pay in my field is even worse, so I could be very limited there. I could move to Eastern Canada since I’ve always been interested in it, but I think I’d prefer to visit than move.

The big risk that I’m really toying with is emigration. I’m currently getting the documents I need to apply for an Irish citizenship which would open so many foreign doors and there are a number of European countries that I could see myself living in. But then comes the question of work. I’ve been broke (for good reason) for so long that I’m done with it; work is important because it brings financial security which is key to happiness – not wealth, but security. I’ve explored a little bit to see how/if I could use my degrees overseas and it looks promising. There are so many ‘what if’s that go through my head immediately when I think about immigrating to another country… another continent. And a lot of fear. But I believe in stepping into fear.

Taking risks has always paid off for me. Each big risk I’ve taken has benefited me in numerous ways So, I’ll take this next year of school to explore my options and make plans for my future… I can already see the light at the end of the tunnel, so I’ll use this time to give myself something to be excited about which I reach the end.

For this moment, I’ll put on some warm pants and go walk my dog in the snow.

Ugh

So, obviously I’m not great at this whole blogging thing since I constantly forget to post. Today, I feel like I need to post because I have issues that I should get out and telling people in my life would cause concern.

I’m wildly unhappy. It’s not good. I’m exhausted from work and school, I haven’t been making time for myself so my life is unbalanced and I’m paying the price. I’ve had moments before that I felt lonely and unhappy, but nothing like this. Something radical needs to happen because I just can’t see living the next year of my life like this, I have one year of school left and am already planning a couple of trips for once I’m done, but I don’t want to be unhappy for the next year. I need to get connected, I need to find hobbies, I need to make friends, and I need something that’s going to get me through that isn’t alcohol or food both of which have been an issue the last little while.

I am so painfully unhappy so it’s time to make some serious changes in my priorities because this is not how to live life.

I’ll keep you posted.

Still here. Still hygging

My goodness it’s been a while, but it’s been a very busy while.

I recently moved to a new home in the same city. The place that I was living was not conducive to mental health or flourishing which I had been aware of for some time, but it finally reached the point that I had to accept I could no longer live there – the downstairs neighbours frequently setting off the smoke alarm at all hours of the night played a big part in that decision. So, I moved. Fortunately I was able to remain with the same property management company, so the move was a lot smoother and faster than it otherwise may have been. Within just under two weeks, I was fully moved into my new home and the old place was cleaned and the keys turned over.

In packing, unpacking, and decorating my new home, I have kept hygge in mind and what I difference it has made. In the past, I always struggled with decorating because I couldn’t define my style; however, now I focused on elements that create comfort and joy. For instance, my new blanket ladder full of cozy warm blankets (particularly important today as my furnace does not seem to be working properly), the many soft lights in the living room, and the photos of times spent with family and friends that always bring a smile to my face. I’m still in the process of unpacking and organizing which homework is getting in the way of so everything is still quite cluttered, but I like what I’m beginning to see and feel. And I’m getting rid of a lot of stuff because it is just clutter and doesn’t bring comfort or joy and doesn’t serve a purpose so gets tossed pretty quickly.

Now, I’m not trying to following any particularly path or lifestyle, but reading and learning about hygge and practices from different cultures has really altered my way of thinking and allowed me to adjust my priorities. I’ve become much more intentional with my self-care and redirected some energy from earning near perfect grades in school to acceptable grades that will leave open my options for further education; that energy is now redirected to socializing, exercise, cooking, and so on – things that used to be second to school. And life feels so much more balanced! It’s not perfect, I still feel worn out and spread thing sometimes, but everything seems to be falling into place for me at this time and there are a number of signs that I’m on the right path. Yay!!

Awareness

So, in thinking about my recent post I became aware that it might seem that I feel I don’t have supports which could not be more wrong – I have amazing supports. This was reaffirmed for me this week when I was faced with a family emergency and my people were there without question and immediately asking what I needed for support. I am exceedingly grateful for the supportive people in my life.

What I meant in my last post is that I’m ready and wanting for a partner – a life, travel, adventure, Netflix partner with whom I have private stories, inside jokes, and a silent language.

What this week has also reaffirmed for me is the importance of self-care and self-compassion. I have been very focused on self-care this past month or so (as you are well aware) and it has had surprising effects; sure I’m feeling less overwhelmed and stressed, but I’m also more patient, less reactive, more mindful, more compassionate (with myself and others), more patient, more intentional, and happier. I am loving this journey that I’m on and can’t wait to see what else it brings.

Enlightening

This happiness journey has been enlightening in a number of ways, primarily regarding my self-care practice and what self-care means to me as well as what my self-care needs are. Obviously, in focusing on happiness, one begins to question what inhibits their own happiness and what is needed to improve it. I’ve previously mentioned, in brief, the importance of social connection in creating and maintaining happiness and I’ve also discussed my lack of social connection since I moved to this city a year ago as well as my new focus on developing friendships. However, over the last week or so, I’ve done a fair bit of thinking and I simply cannot deny how lonely I am. Social connection isn’t only about having good relationships with family and friends but about having someone to share your life with and people who witness your life – I don’t have someone to share my life or many witnesses. Or, as a book I read phrased it, I don’t have a front row mourner for my funeral. I’m currently reading what I think will be an amazing book and don’t even have someone to share that with.

It’s become a lonely existence this last six years as the last time I had an active social life was spring 2013. That’s sad. I could cry over how sad that is. What might be worse is that I’ve forgotten how to connect with new people. I’m so in need of connection that I’m starving for deep connection and don’t want to take the time to build relationships, but that’s what I have to do. It’s time to stop focusing on career and school and begin focusing on me – I’m tired of walking my dog by myself, not having someone to grab drinks with or go hiking with, of returning to work on Mondays and having nothing to say about my weekend because I spent it alone, again.

When I began this blog, I thought it would be a way to manage stress, provide an outlet, and explore self-care and balance. However, it’s been quite eye-opening as it’s lead to much more introspection that I expected. I’ve been learning a lot about myself while also learning that I don’t actually know myself that well at all. For instance, I find that I want to start baking and I want to have a home that’s comfy and cozy where close friends want to spend time, and I want to host dinner parties and games nights – something that I definitely did not think I wanted as I thought I preferred for others to host so I could easily escape (introvert problems!). But, as it turns out, I want dinner parties, cooking parties, games nights, movie nights, and so on and I want close friends to be able to share those things with. I also want weekends spent hiking not inside alone with my pets watching Netflix. I want stories to tell on Monday mornings, dammit!

I have stopped living my life and definitely stopped enjoying my life and that needs to be rectified ASAP. So, wish me luck, folks! It’s time to make some significant changes.

Issues with happiness

I’m back from Nashville! Last week I went to Nashville with my sister and mom – it was great but stressful.  Due to the heat and humidity, I spent so much time and energy worrying about both of them, plus my application for post-secondary funding, plus my cats – one with diabetes and one that I worried had gotten out and run away the first day I was gone.  It was difficult to relax and fully enjoy the trip especially when my sister had a hard fall on day one, but it was still a good trip full of wonderful memories.

While on vacay, I started reading The Little Book of Hygge: The Danish Way to Live Well (which I am loving) and the author, Meik Wiking, talked of an activity he does with people in which he asks them to recall the last time they were happy…. This stumped me. Really stumped me as I couldn’t come up with a memory.  Now, this was partly due to my emotional and mental exhaustion and early stages of illness at the time I was reading it, but still, I pondered on this for several days and only today was able to come up with some good examples for myself.

This is an issue.  A big issue. I’m not unhappy but I’m certainly not where I want to be and haven’t been for some time – years.  So, it seemed timely that my co-facilitator for group this past Wednesday (my first day back to work) decided that happiness would be our topic.  In my line of work, there are innumerable moments that the topic of group or session seems to be intended as much for me as for my clients.I’ve been evaluating my priorities recently because I’ve been aware that I’m not happy and I’ve also been aware that my happiness or unhappiness is entirely my doing.  My life for several years has focused on career and, for the past year, career and school. I’m not living a balanced life and I’m really beginning to notice because I’m beginning to feel it.  I feel like a passenger or observer of my own life – I don’t feel like I’m living it.  So, today I reached out to a potential new friend, I’ll call my parents tonight, this weekend I’ll make plans for the farmer’s market with my aunty before my best friend arrives for her overnight visit – my goal is to work on my connections as I feel a large part of my lack of happiness is lack of meaningful connection.  I enjoyed my trip to Nashville because I had people to share it with; I enjoyed summiting mountains because of the shared experience; the same is true of running races from 5ks to half-marathons – the joy is not the experience but the shared experience.

A little about me

As I mentioned in my first post, I work full-time as an addictions counsellor which is a rewarding but often exhausting job. On top of that, I’m a full-time student working on my master’s degree in counselling psychology which, thanks to my years of experience as a counsellor, isn’t hard work but is a lot of work (so very time consuming). As of this coming Sunday, I will be completed my first year of school with only about 16 months left to go (not that I’m counting).

I decided to overhaul my “self-care” routine because it wasn’t a self-care routine… it was a sitting on the couch, watching TV while also on my phone, procrastinating homework routine. As a result, I was rapidly approaching burnout. In fact, when I kicked off this self-care/hygge journey that I’ve been on for the past week, I was so mentally and emotionally exhausted that a one-hour haircut drained the last of my energy and left me absolutely depleted; it took en entire 24 hours of intentional and mindful self-care to have even a modicum of energy – which lasted for about an hour before I was tired again (though not exhausted). I continued to intentionally and mindfully practice self-care for the rest of the week and here I am today, happy, productive, and grounded almost done my final assignment for my current class (more than 36hrs before it’s due!!). And I had time for two social outings this week on top of work and homework which never happens and rolled with a family medical concern that would’ve derailed me one week ago. What a difference a week makes.

What I’m really enjoying about my new focus on self-care and balance that hygge has facilitated is my presence in the current moment and the current task. I no longer listen to music/books/podcasts every time I walk my dog as I now realize how overstimulating that is; instead, I listen to the sounds of the environment (birds, squirrels, vehicles, the wind in the trees – beautiful!); when I eat chocolate, I take the time to savour and enjoy it rather than tasting it for a second before swallowing – the same with coffee and tea which I find a lot of comfort in just smelling and feeling its warmth; I take bubble baths with lit candles on the side of the tub; I rewarded my hard work on a essay yesterday with a glass of red wine and a new book both of which I enjoyed in a bubble bath; I’ve been choosing shirts that feel like hugs; and I could go on!

My mindset has changed which I think it one of the key reasons to practice self-care – to create and maintain a healthy mindset. I’m finding myself much less reactive and more patient. I haven’t even read The Little Book of Hygge: The Danish Way to Live Well by Meik Wiking as it is my reward for completing my current class and my first year of grad school; I plan to read it while on holiday in Nashville with my mom and sister next week – I think it’ll be a nice little escape if/when I begin to feel overstimulated and overwhelmed. I’m also taking noise-cancelling headphones, workout clothes to use in the hotel’s fitness centre, and perhaps some bubble bath. Self-care on the road!

So far

I’m practicing little pieces of hygge… I’m particularly enjoying having and enjoying treats. Many times, I’ve heard people talk about eating mindfully by taking the time to savor the food rather than just consume it. I’m a long distance runner and work out at least 4 days a week, so I’ve grown to see food as fuel and and definitely not a foodie; I’ve regularly thought to myself that food doesn’t have to taste great, it just has to be edible and filling. As an athlete, what I need also needs to be nutritious – I don’t eat junk and I count macros to be sure I’m getting the nutrients I need. But, I’m learning to love the 80/20 diet – eat healthy 80% and treat yourself 20%.

So how does hygge apply. Well, many things that I’ve read recently discuss quality – quality fabric, quality time, quality relationships, and quality food – as well as enjoyment of each of these by taking the time to be mindful and grateful. So, today I had a, iced pumpkin cookie which I do love but have never really slowed down and savored until today. It felt weird to be stopping what I was doing to savor my cookie – mostly because I was in a public space – but it was so worth it to feel that soft cookie melt in my mouth. Oh man, so good.

I am really enjoying and benefiting from this mindfulness and gratitude. It’s already changing the way I look at things and how I identify and meet my needs; for instance, to walk my dog tonight, I change out of my work clothes and put on the softest shirt I own and took the time to notice the softness against my skin – lovely. Even a visit to the dentist couldn’t and didn’t ruin it!

Also, I purchased the book: The Little Book of Hygge: The Danish Way to Live Well by Meik Wiking of the Happiness Research Institute, Copenhagen. And I am soooo looking forward to reading it on my holiday next week.

Keep calm and hygge on, folks (I’m going to make this into a sign for my home).

A new interest in hygge (hue-guh)

Hygge is a word and concept that I’ve come across many times in the past year or so but never really paid much attention to; however, as I often tell my clients, things continue until we receive the message.

A little about me: I work full-time as an addictions counsellor and am also a full-time grad student.  Suffice to say life is busy.  I’m a year into my grad school program and I’ve been doing minimal self-care.  Recently, my self-care has gotten even worse as I have been doing self-care without intention by which I mean I’ve been counting sitting on the couch watching TV night after night as self-care.  This last week, it became apparent that this “self-care” practice isn’t cutting it so, like a true grad student, I did some research.

Before I get to that, there’s something important to know about me: I’m a huge introvert.  Socializing exhausts me and I have a very social career so I’m regularly exhausted.  Add the additional stimulation of watching TV and being online for school in addition to increasing amounts of coffee and I’m flirting with burnout.  So, my research revolved around self-care for introverts which told me to do a lot of things I already knew that I should be doing: set boundaries, make time for me, have a regular sleep routine, make healthy food choices, and so on.  I have good boundaries, I rarely make social plans on weeknights (that’s my time for me), I go to bed by 9:30PM and get up by 6:30AM, and I’ve recently focused on healthy and balanced nutrition paired with regular exercise.  Still, I’ve been exhausted.

And I kept coming across this concept of hygge.  Finally, it caught my interest and I started reading the information that I came across – I really like it!  Hygge focuses on so many things that I already value but it does so with intention – hygge prioritizes many of the things that I value rather than my (bad) habit of enjoying them when life allows or when they just seem to happen.

So I’ve decided to change that.  Today, for the first time in too long, I practiced self-care with intention and kept the concept of hygge in mind while doing so: I had a hot bath with lavender bubble bath, a cup of coffee with hazelnut creamer, and a book; I spent a lot of time today reading, listening to music, walking my dog and paying attention to the world around me rather than tuning out, wearing comfortable clothes, drinking tea, and meal prepping for the rest of the week.  I feel amazing! I woke up exhausted and a one-hour haircut used what little social energy I had left (and I barely spoke to the hairdresser); it took until about 7PM to start to feel a bit of energy, but what a day well spent.

Which brings me to the reason behind this blog: I’m challenging myself to 30 days of hygge.  Each day, I’m going to do something that is inline with a hygge lifestyle.  Tomorrow, I plan to begin getting rid of clutter to clear my space (and my mind).  I’ll also post information about hygge as I learn about it, so, if you’re interested, stay posted.

Hygge Lesson #1:

Hygge (hue-gah) is a Scandinavian way of living that engenders a feeling of contentment or well-bring through creating an environment and lifestyle of coziness and comfort; this includes not only physical and environmental coziness and comfort but creating these in interpersonal relationships as well by spending quality time with small groups of close friends/family.